Finally you have managed to arrange that drink with your best friend.

The sun is shining, you feel great and you have lots to catch up on.

But nothing goes as expected. From the first glass of wine your friend rattles on about her new love, picks up her phone every 5 minutes to read or send an app.

What do you do?

Do you stay and patiently listen hoping that things will quieten down and she will show interest in being with you? Do you reproachfully let her know that you do not like this kind of behavior? Or do you close up and hide that bad feeling as far away as possible?

Oh to be a child again! Back then you unmistakably felt what you did or did not want and outed that unfiltered. Somewhere along the way to adulthood you lost the trust in your emotional compass and became thoughtful and polite.

And each time that you avoid a possible conflict, you get in conflict with yourself.

Unfortunately time does not heal all wounds. Because when you think about the other you feel what you didn’t say, what you have cropped up all this time. And when you do end up confronting that person, it usually goes wrong because you lose yourself in your emotions.

There is an approach that can help you: the dare to share approach.

Your vulnerability now becomes your strength: you do not attack neither the other nor yourself.

There is no room for blame because as soon as you want to blame someone else, you change into someone yourself that you do not want to be.

Raking over old controversies is also not part of this approach.

So how do you free yourself of what bothers you?

By no longer saying what you think of the other but by naming what is with you.

Use your hand as a memory aid. When you point your index finger to another person, three fingers point to yourself and your thumb is up. Try it! Point to someone!

      1. Your index finger points (in a non-judgmental way) to the one situation where your boundaries were trespassed.
        Name it in a short, powerful and above all factual way.
        ‘We went for a drink, you only talked about yourself and were texting in-between with your new friend.’
      2. With the three fingers that point to yourself you share what that did to you:
        ▪ your thoughts
        ▪ your feelings
        ▪ your behaviour
        ‘I thought that I was no longer important to you. I felt sad. I shut down and didn’t say much the rest of the evening.
      3. Your thumb says what you need to feel good with the other.
        ‘When we are together, I want you to also pay attention to my story. I would like it if you could switch off your phone.’

    What are you going to dare to share with someone?

    And will you share it with me once you have done it?