When I help my clients get clear (on what they want, don’t want, the new road they want to take, the new life they want to create…), they will find themselves suddenly unable to deal with the usual stuff that they used to tolerate.
This comes with the territory of clarity!
If you too have gotten clear on certain things in your life, set your intention on where you want to go from here, it is now time to learn how to say NO…to:
anyone that drains you
anything that is not in line with your intention, vision…
Author Cheryl Richardson says: ”If it’s not an absolute yes, it’s a NO”.
Successful, intentional people, say NO more often than they say yes. Because they honor their dreams and priorities.
Honor your decisions and dreams! Don’t feel guilty because you are saying NO to someone else, because you are saying YES to you.
Why is it so hard to say NO?
We want people to like us
We want to say no without having to explain ourselves
We want people to agree with us, with our decision
We want people to approve of our decision
We don’t want to upset anyone
Saying NO is releasing some of the old stuff that is in the way to your intention. The clutter, the obstacles, the energy drains.
THE PROACTIVE NO:
Eventually, you will love the space, the empowerment and clarity MORE than you will need approval.
NO doesn’t mean you are not loving, kind and compassionate. On the contrary: you will be MORE loving, kind and compassionate because you will be authentic!
The PROACTIVE NO is a Pre-Elimination System. It’s your ‘policies and procedures’ department which has an instant, clear and honest answer to all sorts of demands.
Examples of proactive NO’s:
No dinner parties on Sunday nights.
No complaining people in my life.
No volunteering on weekends
The proactive NO requires that you believe in Abundance. If you live in a state of ‘lack’, you will always be afraid that saying NO will be the end of that road, that things will ‘go away’.
Saying NO to people who want me to do a retreat in German or Luxembourgish, requires me to believe that there are enough people out there for the English speaking retreats and that should I decide to do retreats in Lux/German, the people will still be there.
PROACTIVE vs REACTIVE
The PROACTIVE NO prevents you from having to REACT to a request. Instead of waiting for a request you know is coming – like your family’s invite in November for Christmas, you can also call them in July to announce that you are going skiing that week.
PROACTIVE takes the emotion out of the equation.
When saying NO, you may find yourself feeling defensive, reactive, resentful or disempowered in other areas of your life.
See if you can find a proactive habit or practice that needs to be put in place.
Emotions are ‘signs’ and ‘symptoms’! They show you where you need to take responsibility for becoming proactive in all areas of your life.
Why not prepare some templates to help you say no.
For example for:
Unwanted email forward lists
Email request in general
Someone who wants more time than you have
Saying no to someone you don’t feel connected to
Saying no to people that drain you
Saying no to family functions
The language of NO
Clarity: If your are clear on the inside, you will be able to convey the message to the outside. Know and honor your preferences and let go of the need for approval.
Language: Empowering language takes responsibility and claims the energy. It makes the NO about YOU, not them (no need to make them feel bad or get defensive). Honor, attention, priorities are neutral words (i.e. not emotional)
Abundance: Your beliefs and worldviews are the basis of most decision making. A world of self view of lack says ‘it’s gone and will never come back’ (be that money, relationships, opportunities..). An abundance mindset sees it all coming back or continue to increase.
It’s like riding a bike.
Be willing to get a little (or a lot) uncomfortable and scared. Watch yourself making decisions every day. Are they based on lack? Or abundance?
Start by paying attention. Be aware.
And eventually you will know how to ride the bike of abundance.