I have abandoned a few assumptions this week. I assumed I could be pregnant (i.e. deal with all the hormones and prepare for this new life coming), take care of our 17 months old boy, my other half and study for a degree at the same time.
I had to admit I was wrong. The strain of having to juggle so many things at the same time when all I wanted to do was take care of myself, read, buy baby clothes, hug my boy and man, was making me iffy and moody. I became angry at myself and the world. I started to doubt myself and my choices. I started to become seriously stressed and letting it out on the ones around me. And all these emotions were not good for the baby either.
Why could I not handle this?
I started analysing the situation. The reason why I chose these classes was so that I could obtain this degree. A degree which would not have advanced me in my current job. It would only allow me to possibly follow some other courses in order to possibly make a career change into education. And education was something I had picked out as being an ideal field to work in when you have to raise two children.
I realised that I would have to catch up on 3 years of education to get this degree – which would probably have taken me more than 3 years in distance learning. After that, it was not sure whether I could actually get into the career path I’d chosen.
What was I to do? Give up?
At first I felt like a failure. I was raised to finish and succeed in everything I started. But this was not doing me or my family any good. After a lengthly and tearful discussion with my other half, I came to see that I had to set my priorities. I had to abandon my assumptions. My other half made it clear to me that that is not the same as giving up your conviction.
I am still confident that I will find the best possible working solution in order to raise my kids the way I intend to. It might just not be a career in education and I might not have the same free time as my children. But there are other solutions and I will strive to find the suitable ones to my situation in due time.
I let go.
It felt like such a relief. I felt light again, undone of a burden. I felt happy again. I was thrilled at the prospect of going shopping for ideas to make the perfect baby card. The thought of being able to lie on the couch and just read for a few hours made me joyful.
Carol Shields was taking the words out of my mouth when she wrote:
Go for long walks,
indulge in hot baths,
question your assumptions,
be kind to yourself,
live for the moment,
loosen up,
scream,
curse the world,
count your blessings,
just let go,
just be.
Very inspiring post. I am thinking these days about so many things, sometimes it is overwhelming: When to have a kid, a house, debt, pursuing my studies…sometimes it is hard to enjoy the instant. Thanks a lot for sharing your wonderful thoughts. I felt very identified.
My best wishes,
Have a lovely day!