“A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem”

Have you ever been in a difficult, conflictual situation that was neither of your making, nor your fault and where you were blamed, bitched at and ranted onto?

It doesn’t matter whether the situation is professional or private, it does make you feel lit Shit.

When this happens we are usually part of the drama triangle.

The persecutor or bad guy is throwing all sorts of lies and accusations at us or they blame us for something.

This pushes us in the role of the victim and makes us feel guilty, angry and/or pathetic.

click here for the functioning of the Drama Triangle

When this happens we usually react with emotions, the likes of “This is not fair! How dare he! It’s not my fault! Idiot! I will show him!”

It is usually best to let the dust settle for a while before reacting or responding.

It is also useful to understand why we are so upset. Is it just the unfair treatment? Or are there some deeper issues we are dealing with here – and ask ourselves whether these issues are really about the other person or rather ourselves.

Something like this happened to me last week and I asked myself why this was getting to me. And why this was able to bring tears to my eyes.
I had nothing to reproach myself. So why was this getting to me?

Because I was letting it.

As Eleanor Roosevelt wisely pointed out:
“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”

It is important to realize that we ALL go through this. Even your boss, or your partner or the president of the US of A. We all feel inferior at some point, we all feel weak at certain times.

It didn’t take me very long to crawl out of the victim hole and stand up straight.

Because that disrespectful treatment was just that: a treatment.
Like a drug when you’re sick. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

And I decided that this treatment wasn’t going to work on me. I decided that this was just showing how weak this person was, that he maybe had a bad day and needed to let off steam – and I happened to be in the way…

Whatever the reason…

…I let it go (with a little effort, with some talking to people, with a little help from friends, with some relativization). I decided to be my own rescuer in this triangle.

It made me feel better. And things were sorted out after the weekend. And that was that. No biggie.

So next time, you’re in such a situation, look twice before you give someone permission to make you feel inferior.

This entry was posted in Better life. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to “A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem”

  1. Lance says:

    The quote from Ms. Roosevelt is so "right on". That doesn't mean this is easy (because I know it isn't for me). Yet, when I find it within me to not stoop down to "that" level, I feel so much better about myself.

    So, Mimi, I am sorry this happened to you. Know that I see in you one of the most caring people I know. So, I'm also very happy to hear that it is all good now, too. And that is your inner spirit, moving beyond this. So, so good to see…


Leave a Reply